Gaz: Big in Japan

Almost an entire month has passed since my last post, for which I feel the odd urge to apologise, although it’s not like anyone pays me for this or anything.

There has been good (?) reason for my tardy scrawlings however, some folks may remember this post from way back when following a previous post hiatus. In a thoroughly predictable and unentertaining sequence of events the cancer discussion reared it’s ugly head again at the begining of November, in a film nouveau style I will give you the ending before embelishing how we got to the climax, it seems I do not have cancer again. Much like the Matrix: Reloaded, this episode was much worse than the original, more laboured, confusing and full of expensive effects. Allow me to reconstruct the story:

Nov 3rd: Notice weird lump on the back of my neck, not too big maybe 1cm in diameter, figure I should get it checked. Doc tells me it’s a neck cyst and that it will keep getting bigger, when it’s over an inch then he can operate and get rid of it. I’m all dandy with it and go on my merry way

Nov 6th: Routine stop at dermatologist to pick up meds, mention it to the doc and he takes a look. Dismisses the cyst claims saying it’s a lymph node which is more likely due to dry skin created by the sudden cold front that has hit Japan and not to worry about it. Mildly confused I decide to get a second opinion just in case it is something more serious.

Nov. 8th: Go to an internal medicie person. She prods around and says offhandly “Yeah, it’s a cyst. But on a different topic, how about we retake that blood test you took 5 months ago that came back saying you had cancer. You know, just for shit’s and giggles.“

It’s possible I translated some of that badly however.

Nov. 14th: Get my results back from the test, the level of the cancer antigen in my blood has shot up by over three times. The Doc tells me that given this evidence it is most likely I have metastic squamous cell carcinoma of the head and neck. She orders a CT scan with contrast (ink stuff in the blood), which reveals two lumps in the back of my neck … which is zero surprise as I could feel them with my hand. She then books me in with a ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) doc to check it all out the next day. So I go home and tell my pregnant wife that it’s highly possible I have mid to late stage metastic cancer. I’ll be honest, it was not the best day I’ve ever had.

Nov. 15th: Visit to the ENT, he looks around my throat and nose with a straw like camera, he finds no cancer, which sounds great, until he explains that this could mean it’s metastic cancer of unknown primary, which is a bitch to treat as you’ve no idea where to look for primaries and metasteses. He also mentions that it could also be that my lymph nodes are flared due to inflammatory changes and the blood test could be just an error. What are the chances of that? Seriously?

Anyway, he performs needle biopsy (stabs me in the neck a few times) and says the results will take a week. If it comes back positive for cancer we will start treatment preperation but, (here’s the kicker) if it’s negative for cancer then we have to do further expensive tests because needle biopsy is prone to false negatives. Awesome! So there is actually no good news! Unless it tests positives for jelly beans trapped beneath my skin then it’s more or a “cancer …or maybe still cancer” situation.

Nov 13th: Go to the dermatologist for a routine app. He says he has no idea why all the testing is necessary as it can all be explained as I’m an eczema sufferer, the cancer antigen I was tested for he dismisses as useless as eczema patients typically test high and the lymph nodes in question are almost never cancerous. But still, he’s a dermatologist, not a full on cancer doc, so who to trust?

Nov 22nd: Go back to the ENT. This time an entirely different ENT, who is worryingly young and smells of intense tobacco. He glances at my results, feels around the lymph nodes and said my results came back negative and I may as well forget about it, I’m probably fine, BUT, if I get a fever or they get any bigger then come back. Frankly the guy smacked of the “this job is a pain in the ass” school of medicine. So after some whinging from me about what the previous guy had said about further testing he caved in and booked me in for a PET scan at the University medical center.

Nov 28th: I think the staff at the PET center thought this was a huge mistake. I was neither Japanese, nor over 60, they were clearly unprepared for a white guy in his 20’s. I previously thought that the internal medicine ward in Kimino was depressing, but this place takes the cake. Everyone was very obviously sick, and the impeccable decor did very little to improve the impression of the place, even the Bach (or someone so like him that it makes no odds) playing over the tannoy was an irritant rather than a relaxant. The test occupied over 3 hours of my time and cost 30,000 yen (probably around £200 these days perhaps?). If there is ever a test that looks more impressive than a CT scan however, it’s easily a PET scan. It’s twice the size, looks like a horizontal tardis and scans you for 40 minutes whilst seranading you with the same kind of monotone plinky piano nonsense one would find in the elevator of a modestly priced hotel.

Afterwards they gave me a cake, which was nice in a sort of “sorry you probably have cancer, but at least there’s always cake” kind of way.

4th December: Results from the PET scan come in, I’m as cancer free as I ever was apparently, ending a month of speculation. The ENT (again, totally different guy, how many can their possibly be?) echoes what my dermatologist said about how he has no idea why the first doctor (the one who said cysts one week and then cancer then next) came to the conclusion that I had metastic cancer when all the evidence points to routine inflammation of the lymph nodes due to dry skin and scalp irritation.

So there we have it. Once again terrifying and expensive misdiagnosis of a ridiculously long winded nature. I think I have a few choice words for the next doctor who is going to try and diagnose  me of cancer. Perhaps this is some kind of hilarious Japanese medical practical joke that I’m not party to.

If nothing else however, it was a learning experience. I have a near encyclopedic knowledge of cancer now, and I would ask anyone I know to immediately stop smoking, ensure you drink only in moderation (most common cause of neck and head cancer is alcochol consumption, not smoking), and get checked regularly as by the time you display and symptoms of cancer you may well be in stage 3 or 4, at which your survival rate is (dependant on the type and location of the cancer) a mere fraction of what it was had you detected it in stage 1 (even big bad lung cancer has a 95% cure rate if caught before it metastises). Also, eat your damn vegetables! Increasingly research is suggesting that certain vegetables like carrots, tomatoes and garlic are strong anti-cancer agents and more importantly a lack of the relevant nutrition will greatly increase your risk of developing cancer in the first place.

If you think you have something, get it checked, the most heart-breaking stories of cancer sufferers I read whilst I was researching treatments etc. were those of people who didn’t go because of the cost, fear of what the doctor might say, laziness etc. and it wasn’t just people over the 40 year safety line, there 20 and 30 year old’s in there for good measure too.

So this brings to an end part two of my cancer rant. I think for every happy event in my life some kind of metaphysical force is going to piss on my party with bad news, let’s quickly review this year

March: Married!

May: Cancer!

September: Baby!

November: Cancer!

I really hope that from this point on nothing awesome happens, I might get told I have ebola or something, when the little tyke is born I have no idea what’s going to happen.

PS: Mother and baby doing well. Kid is currently just over 6cm tall and mother is significantly taller than that.